Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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