I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Sober January is a disaster.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
