were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
