I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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