Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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