You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Randomize
