She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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