Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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