I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
