the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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