haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
