i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
