I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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