if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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