Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
