you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
