Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
