Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
