I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
