If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he was CRYING into my vagina
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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