i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
