After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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