nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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