I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
