I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
