Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
