Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
