Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
