I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
