I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
