Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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