I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
