i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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