I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
