Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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