she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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