I have demons in me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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