Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
