I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
