Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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