trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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