she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
