A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
