Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
