I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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