apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
