I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
