Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
