I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
