if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
