Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
