Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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