I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
