You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
