shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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